Milk Gone Mad

No, I don’t want a triple shot grande iced brown sugar oat shaken white chocolate mocha frappucappuccinno with cream on top.

Tea comes from Britain, so why can’t I get any on the high street?

by W. Anchor

I’ll have a cup of tea, because I’m British.

This is exactly the kind of Yankee nonsense that is driving the good old cuppa into the toilet.

The other day, I was dragged into a Starbucks with my niece. She’s tolerable at the best of times, and an irritating little brat at her worst.

I was affronted by the state of the clientele.

Firstly, PRONOUNS GALORE

I was confronted by a veritable sea of lip piercings, tattoos, and wacky-coloured hair. I certainly hope my niece didn’t get any ideas of ways to defile her body!!!

Secondly, a glance at the menu revealed that this was no ordinary coffee shop, but an elaborate SHAM set up by the wokies to ensure that none of us British folk can actually get our hands on, God forbid, a bloody cup of Charlie!!!

And to make matters even worse, I don’t think a single one of these so-called drinks had seen so much as a glance of the udder. Surprise surprise, the walls were lined with milks derived from ridiculous sources like avocados and the reverse-pasteurisation of leftover cheese.

Gasping for a brew, and with no other choice since my niece was nagging me for a soy vanilla mochachoccaccino, I was forced to order from this hideous establishment. Here’s how the conversation went:

SNOWFLAKE BARISTA: Hi, welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you today?

ME: I’ll have a cup of tea, if you’ve ever heard of such a thing.

SNOWFLAKE BARISTA: Sure, what sort of tea would you like?

ME: What sort of tea would I like? What a ridiculous question! There is only one type of tea in this country - English!

SNOWFLAKE BARISTA: Okay and what milk would you like?

(This is where my blood started to boil - I slammed my fist on the counter and gave this wokey a piece of my mind)

ME: Have you ever heard… of a cow?

SNOWFLAKE BARISTA: Yes.

ME: Don’t take that tone with me. Now what I’d like is for you to find a cow, learn how to get milk out of its F**KING T*TS AND PUT THAT IN MY TEA YOU…

(This is where I used a word that my editor tells me that I should regret - I don’t regret it, but it has been redacted in case any snowflakes read this and, god forbid, get offended)

SNOWFLAKE BARISTA: Any sugar?

ME: Do I look like a homosexual?

SNOWFLAKE BARISTA: And can I have a name for that?

ME: No you may not.

After waiting a lifetime for my cup of tea to arrive, I eventually got my tepid, weak cup of tea. Naturally, my niece was buzzing after consuming a medically-unsafe amount of sugar, and I left feeling miserable, barrelling towards the nearest Greggs for sanctuary.

So a word to the wise: don’t go into any high-street coffee shop expecting anything but the liberal agenda in its most heinous form. Oat, soy, coconut, brazil nut, hazelnut, walnut, cashew nut, almond, macadamia nut, potato, quinoa, cabbage… all these milks are an insult to the British cow and should be burnt along with every Starbucks in the country!!!