How to Save Hollywood
It seems all we ever hear from Hollywood these days are announcements of new sequels, prequels, spinoffs and remakes of once beloved classics. Much has been made, for instance, of the news that Robert Downey Jr is set to star in a remake of Hitchcock’s Vertigo, that Sydney Sweeney is replacing Jane Fonda as Barbarella and that Miles Teller has been cast in a new An Officer and a Gentleman. The list goes on and on. Surely, some may cry, this is an omen! A harbinger of the death of Hollywood! It’s blasphemy, sacrilege, heresy, they weep. Not I. Quite on the contrary, it’s about time too. It’s the classic filmmakers’ loss that they didn’t have the abundant A-List we’re blessed with today. Had Jason Statham been around during the 40s, Orson Welles would have surely grasped his bulging arm with fervour and said ‘Kane’s yours, my dear boy!’ Had he only known to wait a few years… but no matter! I have concocted a modest list of potential remakes with some suggested casting which I’d be delighted for any Hollywood execs to pinch. I mean, you never know on whose screen our modest little website may end up. Right, enough chatter. Here are a few million dollar ideas.
7. The Seventh Seal, starring Dwayne Johnson as Death
Kicking things off with an exceptionally strong start, this casting is sure to gain a firm grip on the cultural discourse. As one of the five people to have seen 2024’s classic Red One, I can say with some authority that Johnson delivers an absolute performance. Of all the films I have seen, it certainly was one of them. Johnson would definitely be memorable as Death in this audacious remake of Bergman’s classic- might I suggest Michael Bay at the helm? And perhaps a change in location too… perhaps a more tropical, jungle-like setting may be more appropriate for the Rock, as a change of scene.
6. Casablanca, with Gal Gadot and Ryan Reynolds
You loved them together in Red Notice, so- yes, Red Notice. No I didn’t just make it up. Yes I- it’s on Netflix! Now hang on- who are you calling a liar? No, sit back down. Now you look here- ow! Stop- OW! Stop it! Where are you going? Don’t you dare slam that door! Gosh. I’m sorry you had to witness that. Where was I? Ah yes. This is quite a pairing, the cinematic equivalent of a chocolate digestive and a nice hot cup of anchovy paste. Delish. And Reynolds may be able to add some much needed zing to Bogart’s frankly yawn out loud lines. “Here’s looking at you kid. Oh my god, did I say that out loud? That sounded so much better in my head.”
5. The Graduate, with Amy Schumer as Mrs Robinson
We all remember the famous scene. “Mrs Robinson’, the eponymous graduate stutters, ‘you’re trying to seduce me! Aren’t you?” Memorable, yes. But where are the laughs? Now re-imagine that scene with universally beloved comedian Amy Schumer. Picturing it? Good. And suppose she- are you still with me?- suppose she falls off her chair! Hilarious! And- you’re still bearing with?- she delivers a brilliantly cutting edge and zany quip about something to do with, wait for it, genitalia! I am ROFLing at the very thought. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? Oh you’re dead? Lucky you.
4. Eraserhead with Sydney Sweeney as the Baby
Listen. We’re all thinking the same thing. I’ll say it- that baby is uggo. I mean, that’s not a face that will bring in the masses. And think of the sponsorships we’re missing out on! Don’t worry though, I have a solution. And her name is Sydney Sweeney. And while we’re at it, let’s do away with the black and white. What is this, olden times? Also make the title pink. And add an exclamation mark. Eraserhead! Brought to you by l’Oreal. RIP David Lynch, his death breaks my heart in a hundred ways but none so acutely as the fact he’ll never see this.
3. A Clockwork Orange, with Harry Styles as Alex
“What I needed now to give it that perfect ending was a bit of Ludwig Van Watermelon Sugar.”
After a stop at the milk bar, the One Direction the Droogs will go is in pursuit of ultraviolence. Ha. Here’s another opportunity for some much needed modernisation (who’s ever heard of Singing in the Rain anymore?). No. The Droogs will ransack and pillage to the peppy tune of As It Was. Think of the high velocity edits!
2. Timothée Chalamet is: Jaws
A wonderfully subversive, brooding role, perfect for the actor of the moment to sink his teeth into. In my reimagining of Spielberg’s classic, we see the story from a fresh perspective. Jaws’ perspective. And you might say ‘isn’t it technically already from the shark’s perspective’? Firstly, we don’t like the word ‘shark’ around here. It has negative connotations. We prefer ‘large toothed ocean dweller’. And secondly, though we might “technically” see much of the story from the literal point of view of the shark, do we ever get his insight? His ideas? His hopes and dreams? No. So here’s my suggestion: voiceover. Lots of it. Potentially could get Rupi Kaur to supply some additional dialogue. It’s time for a new take on an old tail (ha). Remember: hurt people hurt people.
1. Come and See, starring The Rizzler
I know exactly what you’re about to say. And yes. He would be contractually obligated to do his signature face. I suggest he do it straight to camera, right at the end. That’s right, our favourite Lovecraftian child influencer would certainly bring the boom to this daring reinterpretation of the classic war film. My only suggestion is that perhaps to keep our younger viewers engaged, there be some Subway Surfers, baking or soap cutting footage playing directly below the film. Now there’s a movie worthy of five big booms.
Poppy Scales is a writer, actor and filmmaker based in London. She also founded this website so you have to be nice to her xoxo